classics.....

i am an avid reader. have been my whole life. books have been a means of entertainment, friends, and at times an escape from the real world. books are amazing things. they have so many secret powers that many know about and others who know nothing. i am shocked when people say they aren't "readers". how can they not be? there are books on every subject known to man. things as complex as quantum physics and beyond to the simplicity and humor filled books on farts. and i'm proud to say, i've got two books on farts. they keep things from becoming too serious and provide many laughs.

i can't say that i have a specific love of any particular genre. i will read just about anything. from the "heaving bosoms and throbbing manhood" novels to classics such as austen, bronte', dickens, and more. but now that i'm helping at my daughter's school in a reading program, i've noticed quite a many book that scholars have noted as being "classics" and are on numerous "X number of books to read before you die" lists that i have not read. some of the books i've passed over in my years due to uncertainty of interest. but now with this time on my hands i thought i'd give them a go now. i says to myself "let's give these bitches a try" (i frequently find myself saying such things like this due in part to a wondrous website www.bluntcard.com that bitch says so much i wish i could just bluntly say an not get so many glares).

so, if anyone is actually reading this (which in my head, hundreds are, but i know really no one) i'm starting tonight with the classic: 1984 by george orwell. i know it's on reading list in high schools across america, it was on mine, but my english teacher passed it up for others classics by steinbeck and others. amazon has the description as the following:

Novel by George Orwell, published in 1949 as a warning about the menaces of totalitarianism. The novel is set in an imaginary future world that is dominated by three perpetually warring totalitarian police states. The book's hero, Winston Smith, is a minor party functionary in one of these states. His longing for truth and decency leads him to secretly rebel against the government. Smith has a love affair with a like-minded woman, but they are both arrested by the Thought Police. The ensuing imprisonment, torture, and reeducation of Smith are intended not merely to break him physically or make him submit but to root out his independent mental existence and his spiritual dignity. Orwell's warning of the dangers of totalitarianism made a deep impression on his contemporaries and upon subsequent readers, and the book's title and many of its coinages, such as NEWSPEAK, became bywords for modern political abuses. -- The Merriam-Webster Encyclopedia of Literature

i don't really have any thoughts yet regarding this book. only passive interest right now. the first few paragraphs i've read so far have caught my eye, so we'll see how it holds me throughout the entire novel. when i'm done, i'll share my thoughts and views. if anyone IS reading this, please share your thoughts and views. i'm interested in knowing.

hide & seek

with staying home now, i am finding small bits of myself that i thought were truly lost only to find that they were merely hidden from me. it's been like playing hide & seek.....finding my creativity, finding my inner artist, finding little bits of happiness.

it has been fun finding each little piece again. i have started out small. making a beaded headband for my daughter, then one for myself. gathering up ideas of future projects to make and create. i have always loved to create things. i am finding myself coming up with grand ideas of making things again, from sewing a fleece vest for her to wear, or knitting hand warmers for her because "they're really cool". things that maybe she'll wear or not. but it's the creating part i'm loving again.

also i have had loads of time to reconnect with music. oh, how i have missed music! being able to listen to it all day long is such a joy to me. i love music. it is so powerful and moving and thrilling. from new to old music, i love it all. i wish i had an ounce of musical ability in my body. but...i do not. i can sort of carry a tune, but nothing to rave about.

i wonder where this journey will take me.....i wonder what i can come up with to create now. i just know that it feels really good to be able to continue to play this little game of hide & seek.....i wonder what's hiding behind this old trunk?

lost

last friday i got...laid off or as i like to call it, completely blindsided about my job. i'm not longer employed. i've got nothing to call a job anymore. i'm not getting paid to do anything. i have no reason to present myself to the world other then normal day to day activities like picking up/dropping off steve or aslynn to things. wow......i'm awesome. what the fuck do i do now?! it's not like i've got security with a degree in something useful to find another job. it's not like there's tons of jobs out there.
people say "oh go collect unemployment" yeah...i could. just to spite the DB who changed his mind about his office needs without asking if i could work that way. no...i'm not bitter about this at all. nope not me. fuck him.
i've been sitting here at home wondering where the hell is my purpose now? it's not like i did something amazing for a job and that it made a huge difference in people's lives. i helped at a doctors. i helped bring people back to get their nails trimmed. yeah...i rock. now i get to listen to a bird screaming at me because he can't come out cause we don't know if the dog wants to eat him or not. good times. i'm a flippin' housewife with a kid who is pretty darn self-sufficient. it's summer break right now so here's to entertaining her till school starts. i love her to death, don't get me wrong, but i've been able to get out of the house daily and interact with people who are adults. with thinking minds who have stories to tell about other things then their own kids or new recipes, new ways of cleaning things, or other brainless things. i'm fucked. i'm going to go completely crazy.

yeah i got a home to take care of....i can cook amazing things for dinner, if everything didn't make me feel nauseous with the thought of food. (NOT PREGO just sick of food) i can clean and go through everything here that needs to be done. but it's stuff that has to be done anyway. not something to accomplish that matters to anyone outside of this house.

maybe i'll write reviews on books i'm reading or music i'm listening too....or.....who knows. what the hell am i supposed to do now?!?!?!? any ideas?

date night

last night steve and i went on a date. it was the first in a really long time. i can not fully express how excited i was!!! i mean, i love our daughter so completely much, but i really really miss having time alone with just my hubby. it's fun getting to sit down to a dinner with grown up talk about work things or even just silly things. which yes we can do with her around, but it's nice not to also. we can talk about anything tho usually the topic of what she said or did came up here and there which always happens eventually. then we went and saw a movie. it was a great movie, plot was about a simple guy working with a set of other simple rouges who all set out to bring down the big bad companies who killed his father and also responsible for him now having a bullet lodged in his brain. funny and quirky. just like we like movies.

whilst at the theater, we saw the weirdest thing. a set of 3 people were sitting outside talking with a small white dog among them (not the weird part). they then came into the theater, with dog in tow, purchased tickets then proceeded to the candy lines. you know how you get this weird feeling about people sometimes, like "oh crap...they better not be coming into our movie", well...that feeling hit hard. we find our seats, i go grab some goobers (cause really? what is a movie without them?) come back to find these same 3 people and dog all walking into our theater!! i mean...it's a small white fluff of a dog. no " in training" vest or anything...who brings their pocket dog to a movie!!!! apparently these people. i can't complain too much, because thankfully, the dog was as quiet as a mouse. never heard a thing from it. tho it was rather weird and something random.

really? it's over?

i have been off work now for about 2 1/2 weeks whilst my boss if off in china. not too shabby when you think about it. getting all this time off without having the ask for it. well, today is my last day of vacation....and as i sit here i'm wondering "what did i do?" and the answer...nothing. nothing of great importance anyway. i did the usual cleaning of the house, tho it seems it was never really done anyway. hung out with my friends for two of these days. watched at lot of tv/movies. man...i'm really lazy. lol

tho last week there was a major event...well to me anyway. i joined weight watchers. i'm going to be 30 next year and man i want to look good. plus i want to feel good. so, here i go on this journey. but that night i found out some very sad news. my grandfather passed away. i knew it was coming, but it doesn't make it hurt less. not one bit. i wish i could go home to be there. i know that by doing that would accomplish a whole lot of nothing, but i'd feel better. but anywho.....this is something for another time.

as this week comes to a close i'm thinking about all the things i should/could have done and how can i fit that all in one day? there's no point really cause the main thing is wanting to have gone home. which, due to OUTRAGEOUS airline ticket prices, is something i need to move on from thinking about that. but these past two weeks have gone by kinda slow. at first it seemed like forever, now BAM, it's over. just as i was getting into the swing of things! but honestly, i'm ready to go back. i like being able to work, getting out of the house, and dealing with people. it's a welcome break to being inside or just wanting to go shopping for something to do. i don't see how people can do this all the time? i guess those who do have actual things to keep them busy which i haven't found. lord help me when it comes time for retirement....but probably by then i'll be one of those old ladies terrorizing her neighbors with "that crazy loud rock music" and TP'ing their golf carts. ahh....good times.....wait that gives me an idea! off to terrorize my current neighbors!

we'll see where this goes

so, inspired by a great friend of mine who decided to reclaim her inner writer, i too decided to see what's been hiding in me all these years. i remember growing up wanting to be a writer, to play with words and see what came of them. not like any of them will make sense most of the time, but still as a kid the thought was there. my parents were great in encouraging me in this, it was i who always said "nah...i'm not good enough". now being a mom, my daughter loves it when i make up stories. stories about babies traveling across imaginative lands and dealing with impossible situations such as talking polar bears, bands of pirates and other misadventures.

the point of starting this blog is one i'm not really sure what it is. maybe from some need to be heard? to get all these random thoughts that are always on my mind out and to make sense of what it means? who knows. all i know is that it's helping a wee bit to get things written down.

there's a lot going on in my own personal life right now that is confusing, sad, angry and just a mess really. tho when i sit back and look at everything, i KNOW that there are people who are going through worse and have every right to feel this way. who am I to be this way? i mean to some people i've got it pretty darn good. a husband with a stable job, a wonderful daughter, a lovely home, now complete with not one, but TWO animals, and a pretty good friend base. even i think "who the hell am i to feel this way?...just shake it off and get over it. it could be worse" .....but that's the thing. i can't shake it. but i'm working on it. and i guess that's all i can do for now is to try....because without trying you'll get nowhere.

so we'll see where this goes. i wonder what will be floating around in my head that wants to get out here and there. so this is the start of randomness.